| Why, oh why, Do We Pity The Dead? |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|02:34 am] |
"Whisper to yourself blissfully, 'it's okay'."
My dreams are weird sometimes.
I was running from a murderer.
At first.
Before long, I was lost.
I created in my head the girl of my dreams.
Well, obviously, I was dreaming her.
I don't think that she's anyone that I've met.
Free spirited, completely open, completely honest.
Nothing could stop her. Not even close.
And she listened to the best music.
I was somewhere in Europe (let's not be vague here).
I don't know what exactly I was doing.
I was driving.
Running.
I don't know what I was running from now.
But the traffic was bad.
I had to pull over to air some frustration.
I opened the doors and the hatch on my car and cranked it.
A girl showed up, looked at me, and did the uni-nod.
I knew what she wanted.
I caught the disc that she tossed me and slid it in.
It started a bit slow.
The music was familiar, but different than anything I'd heard.
It was incredible.
And powerful.
Somewhere in my dream world, I'd installed some far-nicer stereo equipment.
The subs in the back were cranking out chest pounding bass.
Mid-ranges were absolutely fantastic.
The highs were crystal clear without piercing your ear drums.
And as the people gathered around, we talked.
We couldn't hear each other, but we knew what the other was saying.
Standing on the door frames of my car, the world was at peace.
And loud as hell.
We slid into the car.
I let her drive.
It was okay. Finally, a girl that could drive a standard.
I didn't know where we were going anyway.
The building we wound up pulling up to wasn't an apartment complex.
It wasn't a hotel.
Not a work place.
It looked like a burnt out factory.
And, come to find out, it was. Once.
It was a school of music mixing.
Ran, for free, by this girl.
I never caught her name.
She led me inside, and told me to crash a few classes if I felt like it.
I could live here, in the underground rooms.
The students were put up for free, trained for free.
I asked where she got the money.
She didn't.
All the teachers did everything for free.
And things that don't come for free, they stole.
Including electricity, gas, clothes, food.
If it's something you couldn't live without, there's no reason you should pay for it, right?
It made sense.
I was home.
Sort of.
It was somewhere different.
I'd been needing to run away.
Now the question is, can I go back? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|03:23 am] |
I think that I'm going to continue to update this journal.
You know why?
'cause no one reads it.
Okay.
Here goes.
Something that I want to say that I know that Courtney will see and take the wrong way if I post it anywhere else.
Courtney.
I love her.
But she is driving me completely fucking insane.
You called me five times tonight in a half hour.
I told you that I was going to bed.
I had every intention of it.
In fact, I fell asleep less than ten minutes after I got home from work.
Twenty minutes later, you call.
Ten minutes later, you call.
Ten minutes later, you call.
Ten minutes later, you call.
Twenty five minutes later, you call.
(This was actually made much worse by at least four other people continually calling me, which resulted in me flat out turning my phone off).
Long story short, I got an hour of sleep.
What was so important that you had to call that many times and repeatedly wake me up?
Oh, "Do you want me to call and wake you up in the morning?"
Ironic.
I was asleep.
Quite happily.
Until you kept fucking calling.
I woke up damn near five hours ago now, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep.
And I really fucking hope that I can fall asleep sometime soon (though I don't see that happening) so I can get some fucking sleep before work tomorrow.
I mean, I appreciate you kinda sorta giving me an hour of sleep.
Okay.
We work together, we see each other on our days off.
Give me a couple of fucking nights a week to myself.
Yes, I love you, and I want to be around you.
But I want some of my own god damned time every now and again.
Which only pisses you off when I tell you.
So, occasionally, yeah, I lie.
I say that I have some sort of other massive obligation, just so I can go home and maybe watch a cartoon and go to bed, or god fucking forbid, play some World Of Warcraft for an hour or two, and then get some sleep before I have to wake up for another 12-14 work day.
Oh yeah, not to mention that that is five days a week.
Five 12 hour days. Yeah.
I get two days off, and you want to spend the entirety of those days with me.
We work together, and of the five days of the week that I work, you also work, albeit half of the hours.
And what do you do with those hours that you have off on your work days?
You come into work, to get in my fucking way and see me.
There's a reason that we call it work.
I've got shit to do.
You know this.
You've worked opening shifts there.
Lots of shit has to get done.
So you come in and stand in the fucking way and try to take up all of my attention.
I'm about to fucking snap on her, but something holds me back.
I'm assuming it must be love, but I'm starting to think that it's mental insanity.
Maybe I'm not mature enough for a 24 hour a day, 12 days a week relationship or something.
But I don't think that's it.
I think that any guy, or most girls for that matter, go crazy seeing the same person nonfuckingstop everygoddamnedday.
Oh, and I forgot something.
In the inbetween work nights, (where she's already spent five or six hours around me at work, and an hour two together afterward, on average (when I really would like to be sleeping comfortably)), you want to come and spend the night with me.
Oh, ya know, that might not be a problem, say, I could log onto the internet and check my myspace, or play a game for a half hour or an hour, or again, a god fucking forbidden cartoon.
And then when I want to get some fucking sleep, what do you want to do?
You always ALWAYS want to have sex.
And of course, it's never going to be a half hour sort of thing.
We absolutely have to make out for a minimum of 45 minutes, followed by extremely dragged out foreplay, and then we get to the actual sex, and then we have to cuddle for at least an hour in which I don't get to go to sleep still.
All in all, that's about three hours of sleep blown, minimum.
Then you want to wake up an hour earlier than I need to.
That's four hours down.
On a day that I should have gotten my 8 hours (which, albeit, I don't usually get anyway), I only get four. If I'm lucky, anyway.
That's because, before the sex, we always have to watch some lame assed movie... which I will tolerate. Or, if I pick the movie, you'll bitch about it, or be silently angry during the entire thing (which is actually worse).
There's another 90 to 120 minutes shot to hell, that I'll never have back.
I don't want to put it this way Courtney, but you waste a lot of my fucking time and a lot of my fucking money.
Which is weird, because you pay for things every now and again.
Yeah, I didn't really mind going to fair the other night, but I did mind blowing fifty fucking dollars in an hour and a half.
Fuck, I can't even lose that much gambling if I try.
And to be honest, I can get a lot more entertainment out of that a lot of times.
I don't know.
Things were all fun at first, but it's getting stale.
The same cut and dried format that we've been using for the last 8 and a half months is really really getting old.
Try something new every now and then, okay?
Maybe we could go hang out with other people instead of being entirely antisocial.
Maybe we could spend a full day apart.
I'm serious on that one.
There hasn't been one fucking day in the last five months that I haven't seen her.
Which isn't necesarily a bad thing.
But I really do have shit to do, and all you do when you're around is forcefully take up my time and prevent me from doing anything else.
You always have to be the center of attention, and you always have to be perfect.
You can never lose at a game if we play together.
And if you do, you bitch and yell profanity for twenty minutes, until I challenge you to a rematch and let you win.
Yeah, you have beat me at games a few times by either luck or skill, but to be honest, 90% of the time or better, I hand you the game.
Why? Sure, I like to win. But I'd rather not hear the shit if you lose.
There's all this shit that drives me nuts.
And Kyle and I were talking about this the other night.
Same shit goes on with him and his girlfriend, to some extent or another.
But, we debated about how the other girls always seem so good from the outside, but once you get into a serious relationship, the same annoying bickery shit always comes out.
And then you start to go insane, and start looking at the other girls.
To be honest, I didn't think of another girl at all for like the first four or five months of our relationship.
Why? I was completely happy with it.
Then you starting taking up my entire life outside of work.
(by the way, what the fuck are you going to do when school starts back up? I'll be spending 20 hours a week in class, 50-60 hours a week at work, and the rest of the time I'm going to be sleeping or doing homework. Hmmm...)
Then I started seeing how (and I don't just mean physically) attractive girls like Erika seem to be.
Which is probably what actually started making me think about Star, and not seeing her in forever.
There was probably somewhere in the back of my mind that still wants me to get together with her... ignoring the fact that she now lives in Texas.
Okay, I've been typing far too long, and sadly, I have more to bitch and rant about.
I'm sure that I'll be back.
And for the meantime, I hope that Courtney doesn't somehow stumble into this rant.
As I said, for better or worse, I'm in love with her.
There's just a few things that are driving me completely fucking nuts. |
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| Sweet motherfuck. |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|02:53 am] |
I know that no one reads this anymore, and most of the people I have as friends on here don't exist here anymore, so, this seems like a good place to say it.
There are a lot of people that I've been missing lately, all of a sudden.
Namely, Star.
I don't know why I started thinking about her, but since the thought of her came up, I haven't been able to drive her out of my mind.
And the entirety of today, I was thinking about Katy.
Yeah. I haven't seen her in forever, haven't talked to her in forever.
Hell, doubt she's even thought about me in forever.
But last night, somewhere, somehow, this dream of her pops into my mind.
Albeit, it wasn't a dream exclusively about her. It was a lot of things, a lot of people, and at least a couple of deep underlying concerns that have been on my mind off and on. And then her.
I was at a resteraunt. Something like TGI Fridays jammed into a Fazolis, and a part of the Godfather's kitchen. I don't know exactly why that was there (except for it being the one place that I spend more time than anywhere else (including home)). But somewhere in this crazy, mixed up dining room, I was eating dinner (don't remember what exactly, but it wasn't important).
I was watching cartoon network on the TV in the corner, and I start getting pretty comfortable.
I'm dining alone, and I don't know anyone there... so I think that taking off my shoes won't bother anyone. So I do, and I kick my feet up on the chair across from me.
Sooner or later, I start thinking I could get more comfortable. The dining area is kinda hot, so, I take off my shirt.
Later, I take off my pants.
Sometime later, I think, man, I've gotta go to the bathroom.
So, I go, and when I return to the dining area (I pass through a section of what looks like a grocery store mixed with a massive buffet that I've seen in my dreams before), all of my stuff is gone.
Now I'm standing in the middle of a large, somewhat crowded resteraunt, when suddenly it dawns on me that I'm almost naked.
And then I hear "Well, are you not going to say hi, Joe?"
I look over, and I see a familiar face.
It takes a second for me to realize that it's only a familiar face. It's different.
Katy is standing there, waving to me. She's with a couple of sordid looking folks. The kind that I would hang around with anyway.
Then I notice the difference. Her hair is now almost white. She has two lip rings. Small, 16 or 18 gauge, one in the lower right, one in the upper left.
While that seemed completely out of character, it looked so natural for her.
And as all of this is going through my head, I realize that I've been standing there for about a minute, and she's starting to look mildly irritated (which in my mind is as angry as she could ever get).
Forgetting the fact that I'm clad in only boxers and assorted body piercings, I run over and hug her, pick her up in the air like I used to.
Then "where are your pants" breaks the moment.
A long search was instigated, during which time I ran across a few coworkers, and a couple of other DLA friends. I found my pants behind the pasta shells (in the Godfathers kitchen part of the resteraunt).
I get dressed.
Katy and I go and sit down at my table and talk.
Suddenly, I notice my parents walk by the window outside. They look at me, and shake their heads. I don't know why, but I make guesses.
Katy and I talk for a while, mostly about nothing, and what we haven't been doing that we should be, and what we actually have been doing.
And sometime in the middle of conversation, I wake up.
And now I really fucking miss her.
And Star.
And I started thinking about Dobbs the other day too.
And I miss that fucker as well.
It almost makes me want to go through all the efforts of finding these people.
But... I stop.
Why?
Maybe they don't want to see me anymore.
Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but it's very legitamite to think.
And then I wish that my old cell phone hadn't died.
It still had all of these people's phone numbers on it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|01:24 am] |
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Shit balls, it's been forever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2006|02:29 am] |
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Just because you got the bacon, lettuce, and tomato don't mean I'm gonna give you my toast. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2005|11:06 pm] |
School's about to start.
So. I'll be around more.
Probably bitching. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|03:48 pm] |
Been playing WoW a lot...
Bad for yo health, yo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|11:47 pm] |
I used to spam these journals and shit.
Lately, it just doesn't seem like I've much to say.
Funny that. |
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| B-b-b-brain scraaaatch. |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|04:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Brain Scratch | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Marilyn Manson - Ka-Boom Ka-Boom | ] |
I'm starting to feel like I should take about a week before school starts and just lay down.
Not move.
Not go anywhere.
Not do anything.
It'd be nice. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|04:01 pm] |
I was watching Mister Rogers' Neighborhood this morning...
It's great children's programming...
But, I started watching... and listening... a whole lot closer than I ever had.
Don't ask me why.
It was five in the morning, and I was bored.
But... I started to notice... there are deep social commentaries within Mister Rogers Neighborhood.
Or maybe I was reading too much into it.
I don't think that I was though... Fred Rogers was rather a smart guy... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|02:47 pm] |
Have Fun.
Blow Up A Toilet. |
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| Wheee! |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|02:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Fuzzy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nobuo Uematsu - The Land Unknown | ] |
Lauren got me a stuffed fox...!
She's so sweet.
But.
Something freaky happened when I was on my way home.
I saw a glint on the side of the road when I was in the subdivision...
I assumed it was a cat or something about to cross the road, so I slowed down, and came to a stop.
Two red foxes ran across the road.
"Holy shit!" I scream inside my head.
That was weird...
I start driving slowly, turn, then drive, then turn, then drive, then turn, then drive.
I see the same sort of glint on the other side of the road...
I look over.
Sure enough...
The two foxes (I can only assume that they would be the same foxes in a city... especially within that distance), were sitting at the side of the road.
It made me a little freaked out/amazed, and really warm and fuzzy.
So, I picked up the stuffed fox and hugged it...
Something about the whole thing made me cry a little.
I'm not quite sure what or why... and, it was all too... I don't know. It just seems like it couldn't be just a coincidence.
I think that I'm going to snuggle up with that little stuffed fox at night from now on though. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|02:00 am] |
I found out the best way to piss off someone in southwest Missouri.
"Yeah, America was asking for 9/11, and we deserved every bit of it."
No, I'm not saying that it was a good thing. Killing people for any cause... is bad.
But, America, as a nation, deserved what happened... the individuals didn't.
Well, some of the individuals might have, but, I didn't know any of them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|12:23 am] |
"That scotch you just poured is rye."
"That's okay, the champaigne that I just had was gin."
Sometimes, I realize, I should just shut up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|04:27 pm] |
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Well, this has been a pretty damned decent day so far. |
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| Aaaaah!! |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|04:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Nervous as all get-out | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gorillaz - All Alone | ] |
Dinner ... with Lauren's parents.
I'm gonna die.
I feel like I should dress up, so I spent the last twenty minutes trying to find something nice.
I'm wearing jeanshorts and a ronjon shirt.
Not exactly nice...
But... it's the closest thing to halfway decent that was the closest thing to halfway clean.
Er.
... Yeah. |
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| Life |
[Jun. 19th, 2005|02:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Beat | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gorillaz - Every Planet We Reach Is Dead | ] |
Work Till Close
Then Open Till Close
Then Closer The Next Night.
I'm Going Fucking Insane Here.
Dinner With Lauren's Parents on Tuesday.
I'm Scared Shitless Here.
I Want To Go. But I'm Scared Off Of My Ass. |
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trexce's journal
tired